


Camille Desmoulins Pixie Girl Adventures During The Great Terror

by billspilledquill



Category: French Revolution RPF, Hark! A Vagrant
Genre: Gen, Hark a Vagrant, Multi, but then again, give me a universe where Camille Desmoulins wouldn’t write in all caps, you won’t believe how stupid this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 06:38:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15551859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/billspilledquill/pseuds/billspilledquill
Summary: “It is because I had sex with Robespierre?”Also known as Camille Desmoulins’ Very Secret Diary, The Accurate Social Commentaries On 18th Century France, and so on; etcetera.





	Camille Desmoulins Pixie Girl Adventures During The Great Terror

**Author's Note:**

> This wasn’t planned. My brain forced me to write it. This is heavily inspired by the web comic Hark A Vagrant and other ridiculous fics like this.

 

**Camille on Lucile (attempt #1)**

“Let’s play a game.”

“Yes?”

“Please marry me.”

 

**Camille on the state of France**

“How about we stop orbiting around the accusations that we are some secret shambles in a royalist conspiracy?”

“How about your wife orbits around my dick?”

 

**Camille’s Very Secret Diary**

Today Lucile grounded me for being too much of a brat. So I decided to only write two issues instead of three. Anything for my darling wife.

She said that I am still the prettiest, though.

 

**Camille on Maximilien**

“Maxime, Maxime, remember our schooldays?”

“Actually, no. I hid my way during school to library and bathrooms. I had a torrid love affair with J-J Rousseau. With social contract and all.”

“Oh.”

 

**Camille on Lucile (attempt #2)**

“Please marry me I am broke and I need love.”

 

**Notes (1)**

Days since Maximilien thinks he actually met Rousseau: ~~2~~ 0

 

**Lucile on Camille**

“He is very volatile these days, I worry for him. The Revolution must have wore him down.”

“Hey, hey Lucile! Why Horace have so much head? Is that normal in a baby?”

“I mostly worry for our child.”

 

**Camille’s Very Secret Dairy**

Georges is screaming. Someone discovered something bad about him.

Which, fair. 90% of his body cells are made of meat.

 

**Antoine on Camille**

“I hate him.”

“WELL, EXCUSE ME YOU WORTHLESS PRETENTIOUS DANDY, I HATE YOU TOO.”

“What he said.”

“I HATE YOU MORE.”

“You see—”

“WITH THE PASSION OF THOUSAND BURNING SUNS.”

 

**Maximilien on Camille**

“He is getting too work up for nothing. I fear for his safety. Danton has been corrupting his pure and untainted soul.”

“Maxime! Why do you have a picture of Rousseau in your room? I think that’s stupid.”

“I am ready to believe that Danton has been—“

“Maxime, it’s maybe time to stop this shit storm known as the Revolution. I mean, have you seen those inspirational quotes from the Bible?”

“I will sign the decree.”

 

**Notes (2)**

Oranges eaten by Maximilien because of stress: 16

Oranges eaten by Maximilien because of the taste: 39

Oranges eaten by Maximilien because of the Revolution: 1789

 

**Camille on Horace**

“My son!”

“Agaa!

“My beautiful, wonderful son!”

“Agaa!”

“Son, let’s talk about something more substantial. Like, how our politics are falling apart under our current institution.”

“Agga!” 

 

**Camille on Antoine**

“If I wanted to kill myself, I would have climbed to his ego and jumped to his IQ.”

[insert scene of Saint-Just signing Desmoulins’ arrest decree]

 

**Camille’s Very Secret Diary**

Sometimes I wonder if Danton is corrupt.

He and Robespierre and went dinner together. He said that they talked about ladies and fashion. They made their hair together.

But he still said that I was the prettiest.

Which, again, fair.

 

**Georges on Camille**

“Camille is the prettiest.”

“I know.”

“Is your wife alone on Saturday night?”

 

**Notes (3)**

I’m losing my head around you > love lines to say to Lucile when the time comes

 

**Georges on Camille**

“Okay, so, try and find a place where I haven’t put my penis in. It’s not easy.”

“I loathe this place.”

 

**Camille’s Very Secret Diary**

Being broke isn’t that bad. I don’t have necklaces and rich people don’t have their neck.

It’s 50/50.

 

**Maximilien on Camille**

“Camille, there is something I must tell you.”

“If it’s about your magnificent love affair with Jean-Jacques, then please, spare me the thought of imagining you having sex. One Danton is enough.”

“I had sex with Saint-Just.”

“Oh god, it’s even worse. How could that get even worse? It’s the worst thing I have ever heard in my entire life. How can it be? Oh my god. _Oh my god_.”

 

**Camille’s Very Secret Diary**

Just strained my ankle. It hurt very badly. Saint-Just was there. I kicked him.

My ankle feels better, now.

 

**Horace on Camille**

“Aggaaa!”

“Son, tell me more about the Revolution.”

“AGGA!”

“Yes! We must stop the tyranny from spreading further!”

“AGGAAA!”

“I think I have the topic for today’ issue. Thank you, son.”

 

**Notes (4)**

Material to summon god: words, quill and determination.

Bonus point for being pretty.

 

**Camille on France**

“I would die for you.”

“Please strap yourself to the nearest post. The line is full for the moment. Wait for a second.”

“I think I know where Georges haven’t put his dick in.”

“The guillotine is crying. Please do keep your language to yourself.”

 

**Antoine on Camille**

[This section is empty]

 

**Camille on himself**

“At least I am still pretty.”

 

**Camille’s Very Secret Diary**

Just spitballing here, but can’t we just die? This trial is going on for thirteen hours. Danton will be having a seizure on voice dehydration sooner or later.

Ah, here it is.

 

**Camille on Lucile**

“Don’t you think that we are just all better off leaving on a farm and have some pigs and just live a normal life?”

“You were broke when I met you.”

“The offer still stands.”

 

**Camille on Antoine**

“THIS ABOMINATION SHALL NOT STAND.”

“You cried on the floor for two hours.”

“I WILL FIGHT YOU, LOUIS-ANTOINE.”

“It is because I had sex with Robespierre?”

“OH MY GOD. NO. STOP EXISTING.”

“Your tears are starting to annoy me, Desmoulins.”

 

**Notes (5)**

Maybe the Republic is pretty. But I am prettier.

 

**Notes (6)**

Days since the name “Republic” hasn’t sparked outrage: ~~1~~ 0

 

**Notes (7)**

Danton is crying on my shoulder. He is asking about my wife. My strained ankle can offer another kick.

 

**Georges on Camille**

“SHOW MY FACE TO THE PEOPLE, IT’S WORTH IT.”

“NO IT’S NOT YOU UGLY PIE.”

“I AM NOT TALKING TO YOU, CAMILLE.”

“WELL I AM DOING A PUBLIC SERVICE IN THE NAME OF THE LORD.”

“Someone is telling you to stop bringing your aristocratic views into this argument, Camille.”

“I.... _loathe_ this place.”

 

**Lucile on Camille**

“Stay safe, Camille.”

“As Napoleon would say, this is an anachronism.”

“I don’t know why I married you, sometimes.”

 

**Camille’s Very Secret Diary**

I don’t know about Danton, but I still want to kick him again.

 

**Georges on Camille**

“Suppose that you’re going to die.”

“Yeah.”

“Can you answer me one last question?”

“Yeah?”

“Is your wife available on Sunday night?”

 

**Camille’s Very Secret Diary**

_I kicked him._

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is where I would try to write something silly to make you comment, but seriously, _what have I done_.


End file.
